For the divorced, holidays can be hell: splitting the kids up during vacation,
no money to buy presents, loneliness, rejection, anger, depression, and much
more. One woman told me she wished she could just take a pill and wake up in
January. Do you feel that way about the upcoming season? I’ve been there and I
can help. It’s not a little pink pill, but here’s my prescription for helping
you survive the holiday blues:
Remember this is not the last Christmas
If you recently got divorced, then stop thinking of this year as the last
Christmas. This one will be tough and it will bitterly disappoint—no doubt
about it. So stack it up in your mind against all the wonderful past Christmases
and the beautiful ones to come. The only thing you really have to do this year
is thank God for real reason for the season. The rest is not that important.
Give yourself permission to step back
My mother never divorced, but she had nine children all year long and knew how
to enjoy the holidays on a tight budget and let go of things that were not
absolutely necessary. Take a tip from her: You do not have to send cards this
year; you do not have to bake a fruitcake, hand-sew the kids’ Christmas play
costumes, or invite the neighbors over for the cookie party you hold every year.
Don’t have money for gifts? Try writing short letters of love to those who
matter. Don’t even have energy for that? Then tell your family and friends
you’re taking a break this year and to look for you again next year when things
are better. If they love you, they’ll understand.
Avoid holiday parties if you want
If going to the family or friends get-together will help you feel better, then
go! Put on something nice and enjoy the event. But if celebrating makes you sick
to your stomach or anxious in any way, stay home. Forget what others might
think. Don’t tap-dance to everyone else’s tune—it will only wear you out. This
post-divorce period is time to take care of you. Be gentle with yourself.
Get the kids involved
If your ex-spouse is no longer there to bake cookies or put up the tree—and you
feel you must have those this year—then recruit the kids. Let them make a mess
and let them help clean up. Working together on fun projects is what really
makes the memory—not just the results.
Get some rest
Life is stressful. The holidays double the stress. Add divorce to the mix and
you have a nuclear cocktail. Your emotions will drain you physically so get
plenty of rest. If you just don’t have the energy or will to put effort into the
holiday, ask for help. Maybe your Dad can take the kids ice-skating, or your
neighbor can take them to the new Tintin or Chipmunk movies, while you take a
long winter’s nap. A rested parent is a happier parent. Divorce or not!
Help someone else
Lots of advice to the divorced or otherwise grieving is to get out of your own
misery and help someone less fortunate. You’ll get out of your own pity-party
and feel better. But . . . I think there’s more to it than that. What if you
know that’s a good idea, but you just can’t? What if you try and try and try to
get some clothes, toys or food to the poor this year but all you can do is stay
home and cry? Then thank God for the desire in your heart to help others and
make a resolution that when you do have the energy, you will. Even the pressure
of having to perform good works can become another unnecessary energy drain.
Create something beautiful
Divorce and the misery it brings are dark and ugly. Beautifying your
surroundings can help to relieve the pain. Ask the kids or friends to help you
get the house clean and fresh, even for just the weekend or the day. Open the
drapes if you like light; close the drapes if you prefer to cocoon a bit (not
too much; it will feed depression). Light some candles. Pick some greenery or
winter leaves and stick them in a vase; ask the children to draw you something
to put on the fridge. Put on your favorite music (not anything that reminds you
of your ex-spouse). Pick up your clothes and make your bed.
Cook something yummy or go out
In divorce our appetites for love, family and security are starved; we crave
affection and are hungry for affirmation. You can see that food and emotions are
closely related. So if it’s your favorite grilled cheese sandwich, a steak and
cold beer, or a dinner at your favorite Chinese restaurant, do it. And don’t
just do it for the kids or with the kids or where the kids want to go. That’s
good, too, but not as a steady diet. You pick what you like and scrap the false
guilt.
Escape when you can
The assault on emotions after a divorce—and especially during the holidays—can
be brutal. Escape to a place (or activity) that gives you respite. Take a walk,
read a book, putter in the garage, clean out the junk drawer. Every personality
will find distraction and satisfaction in something different. Don’t escape to
excessive TV or the computer. Don’t wallow in pornography. Don’t resort to
addictive shopping, gambling, or the like. Any such self-centered focus doesn’t
free you from pain but will enslave you in the long run.
Pray
Even if you are wondering where God has been in this divorce, don’t give up on
Him. The act of crying out is cleansing and releases pent up pain. Medical
studies have proven that patients who pray see increased health benefits and
even cures of serious illnesses. Don’t let divorce rob you of mental, emotional
and spiritual health.
Plan for next Christmas
I know I suggested you let it go this year but I can’t help It—the sales after
Christmas are huge and a perfect time to pick up cards, gifts, and decorations
for next year at more than half-off. Next year will come and it will be better,
I promise. It might takes a few years for you to get back on your feet but
something will happen when you least expect it. You’ll be sipping hot cider (or
something stronger!) and humming to carols in your car or in front of a
crackling fire. You may be with the kids or not, with a new love, or not, but it
won’t really matter. Your heart will have come a long way and you’ll find
yourself feeling happy again. That’s my present to you this year . . . the
promise that holiday hell will eventually be replaced with holiday heaven.
ROSE SWEET
Catholic Author & Speaker
37 Indian Rock Road San Anselmo CA 94960
Phone 760.831.6238
Website: www.RoseSweet.com
