In this post, Rose Sweet, author and creator of The Cathoilic Divorce Survival Guide DVD series, shares an alternative to the usual "get in shape" New Year's resolution.
The holidays are fast approaching and soon it will be time to write out 2012
resolutions.
Eating healthier and getting more exercise will no doubt be somewhere on your
list. But is your body really the most important area that needs improvement? Or
is there something more challenging that you may be avoiding . . . like
strengthening your marriage?
And, if you’re divorced, what resolution will you make to finally seek help?
Face it—whether you left the marriage or got dumped, we all suffer the
equivalent of a nuclear bomb in our personal and family lives, yet we attempt to
move on as if nothing happened.
From my experience working with divorce recovery groups across the
country, I see fewer than a third of divorcees ever get the help they and their
family need. It just seems too hard, or maybe it will all go away if we ignore
it. But unhealed emotions still produce pain.
And to numb the pain, we rush into new relationships or retreat into the daily
and time-consuming distractions of parenting or work, without taking the time or
spending the money to see a therapist or get involved with a divorce recovery
group.
As a result, most of us never fully understand the underlying issues that
contributed to our divorce in the first place and we set ourselves up for making
the same kinds of mistakes in the future. Did you know that divorce rates are
much higher the next time around?
Failing to address the lingering anger or grief from divorce – regardless of
when it took place – also makes us more likely to be depressed and,
consequently, to overeat, to drink to excess or to engage in other unhealthy
behaviors – some of which may coincidentally be on your list of behaviors to
better control in 2012!
The good news is there are numerous resources to get you started on the road to
recovery. Website resources include www.FamilyLifeCenter.net, www.Family.com as
well as www.Family.org.
Henri J.M. Nouwen has written several books that can help with depression,
including Turn my Mourning into Dancing, The Inner Voice – A Journey through
Anguish to Freedom and The Wounded Healer.
The kids are affected by divorce, too, in ways you may not even know. Need ideas
to improve your parenting, or to deal with being a single parent? Take a look at
Dr. Ray Guarendi’s book, You’re a Better Parent Than You Think as well as any
book by James Dobson, including Love Must Be Tough, Raising up Boys, Raising up
Girls and The Strong Willed Child. Suze Orman has also written several books
that can help you get finances back in order.
The bigger challenge, of course, is confronting the deeper, underlying issues
that most people are afraid to face. For that, you may need to first admit you
could use some help, come out of your comfort zone and join a divorce recovery
group. It’s a good place to start.
Growing numbers of churches offer divorce recovery workshops and support groups
that are comprised of people of all ages who have been through divorce and are
willing to share their experiences as well as their strategies for healing and
recovery. By attending a divorce recovery workshop or support group, you may
also discover some of the topics you need to focus on if you find you could
benefit from the help of a therapist.
Maybe just this year you can let yourself skip the diet when it comes to your
list of New Year’s Resolutions and focus on something much more valuable—the
head and heart issues that still need healing. For many of us, that means
confronting the unresolved pain of divorce—or the panic about finding someone
new—and taking the necessary steps toward a more meaningful recovery. By next
year it could mean a healthier and brighter future for yourself and your family.
Rose Sweet has written several books on the topic of divorce, including A
Woman’s Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce and she is a frequent guest
on national radio and television shows. Her DVD series, the Catholic’s Divorce
Survival Guide, is being used by divorce recovery groups across the country.
Email her at rose@rosesweet.com.
